16 April 1986: A Conversation about Intimate Relationships with South African Students

Thursday, April 17, 1986, 12:00 noon

Kloofwaters Farm in the Magliesberg Range west of Pretoria with geography students from the University of the Witwatersrand

Time for a few lines before lunch.  About a dozen students are lying in the grass close by listening to a Bill Cosby tape.  I continue to be amazed by Cosby’s popularity in South Africa.  I listened in on an interesting conversation among these students last night.  One male student asked if the women thought affairs were ever justifiable and what they would think if they were seeing a guy regularly and found out he was married.  I know that most young women are conservative about these things but their responses were straight out of the 1950s.  Statements like, “I hope that if a guy made a commitment to me, he wouldn’t look at the first floozy that came along” and other comments about the moral fiber of society.  I sat there innocently smiling and biting my lip as they continued on with comments about relationships which betrayed their youth, naiveté, and idealism.  Certainly, they didn’t want to hear about the current popularity of casual sex and affairs in the U.S.  

A group of female geography students from the University of the Witwatersrand conducting a wetlands survey during our field trip.

At one point, a male student made a comment about finding himself using cliché expressions as a student teacher that he had sworn he would never use.  I couldn’t keep silent any longer.  “Yes, I’ve been sitting here for the past hour trying to keep myself from using an obvious cliché,” I admitted.  “It is, of course, ‘Wait until you’re my age.’”  They got a good laugh out of my cliché but no one asked just what it is like at my age.  I didn’t have the nerve to tell these sweet and seemingly “pure” young women that a substantial number would be divorced with a kid or three when they got to my age.  Or they would be hanging on to unfulfilling marriages with a husband who was quietly screwing his secretary.  They would have lost their youthful beauty and guys my age would pass them over in preference for younger women without motherhood responsibilities.  True, these middle class aspirations and dreams of traditional families are as important here as in the U.S.  Back home, they are clouded by the reality of the disappearance of the “Father Knows Best” family.  Here, traditional family values are still strong among the whites, but the uncertain political future clouds the distant horizon. 

Actually, there was a comeback to my “Wait until you’re my age” comment.  “We may not live to be your age,” a perceptive student named Michael noted.  No one argued with him about his point, and I felt sad that such a group of bright young people could feel so pessimistic about their future.